I Thought People Cared

Life isn’t too easy when the people you’re so used to having around, the people who you think cared about you, the people who you could trust no longer has your back. I know many have felt this way too so this is my story. Regina and Bert are not their real names. Gabe and Cat are real names in this story.
Everything started in 8th grade. I had friends who I thought had my back for a long time. Friends that of course I could invite to parties and sleepovers. I had a liking for a new guy named Gabe. He was on TV once and that was to come to where I lived in 7th grade. I didn’t even notice him until 8th grade when certain people went to a DC trip. I was reading Maximum Ride at the time and like many other fan girls, I was a fan girl over Fang. Gabe looked exactly like him. But how to talk to him? Since he was hardly around. Sometimes I told him about his roommates for the DC trip. I could go into detail about what happened but I didn’t wanna make this to long so I’ll just say that I missed my chance to dance and talk to him…..a lot. I figured that I had fallen for him harder than I imagined.

I still had my friends when it was 9th grade. Same old people who I thought I could share my moments with. It’s a nice winter break for me and so I wanted to give my friends some gifts. I only had two close guy friends and heck of a lot of girl friends. I was innocent. But that all came to an end to soon by the next year in my birth month. One of my best guy friends asked me out in December over break. I didn’t like him but I didn’t want to be mean so I said yes. Stupid aren’t I? I went out with him for 3 months not even knowing it was 3 months. I loved Gabe at the same time. What is wrong with me? I still don’t know why but I hated one of my friends because of my best friend. I should just use code names now. Cat is my best friend. Regina can be the person I hate. So I really hated Regina for a reason…I guess cause she’s one of those popular types and that she’s spoiled. For Valentine’s day, the guy I went out with codename Bert, wanted to go with me to the cafeteria to get me a rose. I didn’t want to because I had to do other things. Then he said this “Fine, I’ll just get one for Regina” Right there and then I was just mad. I was just super mad that he would use the person I hated the most. He’s my friend but why can’t he use someone else. The next 2 weeks I broke up with him. I could say how much girls he dated since 6th grade. He dated about 8 girls including me. With a cherry on top, he lost his virginity to a 7th grader when he was in 8th grade. Disgusting. Now that girl became a bi not that I have anything wrong with that but the fact that he is such a player makes me wonder why I went out with him. I hate him so much now.

As the year passed by I grew away from my other friends. I’ve lost friends to friends. I’ve became a third wheel by the end of 9th grade. I was always alone. The only people that talk to me are people who go different schools. It sucks when you’re alone but at the same time its peaceful to think to yourself. I ate by myself. I studied by myself. My family wasn’t much of a help because if I told my mom that I had no friends, she would question what I have done to drive them away. She would always yell at me for whatever is happening to me. My dad wasn’t much of a help either. My brother is too busy to deal with me. I had no one to talk to. My counselors wouldn’t do anything about any problems at school. So I kept everything to myself. I am the type of person who only wanted to see other people happy. But what happens a lot is that the people who make others happy are the loneliest of all. I can’t even stand to see people die in front of my face. I became suicidal. I felt people didn’t want me anymore so I stared cutting myself with sharp copper wires. We had a lot hanging around the house because my dad is an electrician. The most cuts I’ve ever had were at least 10 on my arms and legs. I wanted to die if I’m just a waste.

At the end of 9th grade, I was sure I had no friends. On the last day of school, I had to get my flash drive from my teachers so I went in to my G building class and guess what I saw… my best friend with my ex. I got my flash drive and ran out of there and into the other building. I punched the wall hard for the first time. I saw my other “friends” and asked if they were together, and so they were. When I was gonna be picked up or waiting for my brother, for the first time in my life, I cried at school. Pathetic me. The only person that noticed me was Cat. She comforted me but guess who didn’t notice me crying my eyes out. My “friend” who is going out with my ex. At least tell me instead of making me hid in the dark. So I became lonelier. Every night I cried thinking how I was alone. Thinking that no one cared for me. And guess what? I still do till this day.

10th grade started not too long ago. Maybe a month or two ago and as usual, no one came up to me and hugged me like before. I went straight to my class and read for SSR (silent sustained reading). Bert was on my team again but not in the same classroom. I hated him so much I could just punch him. But I was too nice. People took advantage of me because of that. They made me do their HW. They made me get things for them. I was way too nice. I get good grades and if someone asked me to do their HW I just say that I’m busy or do it themselves. This weekend I just came back from a short 3 day trip for a wedding. I was fun because I got to see my cousins. We got to go to the beach but…. I can’t swim. They are all younger than me but I can’t swim at all. When we went to a spot that we could jump off from, I was the only one who didn’t. I felt out of place…again. So I stood there doing nothing but just watch them have fun. I told my aunt that I can’t swim because I wasn’t allowed to take lessons in a pool. I was allergic to chlorine water. So I stayed back at the school for 1 straight week. Alone in the classroom. When I got back home, my mom figured that I had told them that I didn’t take lessons because of her. So she got mad at me because she always said I’m blaming things on her. But it’s me! I’m allergic to chlorine water so its ME! I was not blaming her. Also, when I got home, I had homework and it’s MY fault that I never do it (but it wasn’t due the next day) and she’s getting mad that she thinks I blamed it on her.

Currently I’m writing this to this point at which she’s mad at me. When I went to give her one of my papers to sign, she said “ I don’t want this, give this to your dad since he’s like you. I’m not doing or buying anything for you. I don’t care if you fail school. You deserve it. I’ll only take care of your brother now since he appreciates what I do for him.” I will still keep up my grades to show her up. But the fact that she said that made me…wonder. Am I really just trash in this house? Am I the punching bag? Am I the object to take out anger on? I wonder if people really cared for me at all… I guess I was so used to being around people who took advantage of me. I want to be with others who are alone. I want to talk with them. I want to know what it feels like to talk again. To have a real friendship and relationship with family and a good friend.

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