LOVE INSIDE
By anonymous
Hi this is me i don’t know where to start with because my life has been a total mess from the beginning always disastrous. Here i m not to discuss how much troubled my childhood was but it was pity much disgusting ,yes it was it was so troublesome that i for the first time wanted to commit suicide when i didn’t even knew exact English word for it yes yes i studied in 4 standard then . shocked !!!!!!!!!! . I was a brilliant child intelligent ,sensitive ,calm, understanding all in one as if i was born for world not for me ……starting from beginning when i was a kid i guess may b studied in 2nd standard i for the first tym learned that there z a line between a gal and a boy. He will get all love and care because he is a boy, he could hav vedio games coz he was a boy , he could go out to play becoz he was a boy …….he was never questioned … he could rule over me …..he was always right becoz he was a boy . yes a boy ,boy who was my elder brother……
he never wanted a sister he always wanted a brother always …… he never loved me …. While i used to sit alone and depressed at home he used to get out with our cousin sisters he used to love them a lot i always used to literally beg god why doesn’t my own brother love me am i so bad i love him a lot i used to do whatever he wanted me to do just becoz he may love me but he never really did just at time he wanted something he used to come to me ask if i ever didn’t said yes i wud get beating from him THIS is where it all starts ….i was afraid from him .i didn’t ever used to come before him i was so much terrified from him dat i never ever came close to him on contrary to it he always used to play with my cousin sisters i was a child i too wanted love from my brother didn’t i deserved it . yes i deserved it but it was my life na how could b it happy enough. I remember my brother enjoyed his freedom when he was in 7th standard after dat he was never ever denied or said anything for watver he did. I was in 4th standard when i for the first tym realised that i was not a child anymore .now everything lies on me .In fact i was never born a child i was born in as a adult only ….. my mom and dad always used to fight they never lived happily together i never saw happy people in my house from morning till late night there would be continues fights .not one day or two days or some day it was everyday . i remember i was in 4 std came back home i saw noone at home i was alone my mom had left us and went to my nanis house. She didn’t came back for 3 months not even a single night must have been there that i might have not cried …. i cried every single day … there was no one whom we could see when i returned home , no one to even make food i used to sleep till evening empty stomach and then papa used to come……i begged for my mothers love at that time but she never cared but i love her a lot i think dis is wat is called when u donot get love love from anyone u love them more and more…….it was this tym for the first tym i wanted to kill myself as it was killing me from inside……
Days went on months went on my mother returned ….. and all those fights also sometimes i was like dat i may go outside cry out a loud or jump from roof …. those noises never ever left me i used to get alone frustrated in those loud voices . i actually tried to kill myself a lot many times but no one even had time to see me if i was alrite. Years went on as i was growing my brother started beating me even more … that guy was seeing her she talked to that guy … was it my fault someone used to stare me.or talk to me .. i was even afraid to wear jeans in front of him…. yes i was …..
I passed 10th standard i was a big gal now but to everyone i was mom i had grown into dadi(grandmother) with all responsibilities at dis age only . it was the time to go to tuition’s now… i had never even stepped out i didn’t went to any relatives before just 1nce or twice a year never more dan it ……i didn’t knew how to talk or face people so i normally remained quite and people took me as if i had a lot of attitude …… fine by me …..
I was out of dat cage no more fights no more abusing weirdness nothing i was free. I was more dan happy those 2 or 3 hours i used to forget everything i left behind at home and carried a smile and wanted to live most of it ….. then i met dis amazing gal i will not name her she was my bestfrnd and i loved her a lot we used to roam around like hell going some places unknown doing weirdness all around it was more dan fun i never felt more happier ever i finally got love i was looking for my b it in face of my best frnd only but i was more dan happy i used to forget each and everything around her…… best days of first freedom.
I was den approached by a gal saying my frnd wants to do friendship with you i was afraid i didn’t know wat to say it was for the first tym some guy had proposed me i didn’t said anything and i ran away … next day again same after dat day the guy came around and asked himself i had never talked to a guy like this i was literary shaking at dat tym i didn’t said yes to him he begged before me i was not feeling it right was someone is saying so much begging like hell i m not a princess. I said i not saying yes for a relation as a frnd normal it is ok .. he said ok and next day i heard from everyone u r his gf i was surprised to hear it …i called upon dat gal asked her wat the heck was it she told me his past story being emotional fool i fell into her words and said i m a frnd onlyi will not say him anything but tell him to stay away …. but things went otherwise he used to sit near me and stare me all the tym i didnot like it but i cudnot say anything as i had promised…. days went on we started taking then we started meeting in tuition’s . more talking after dat we used to meet in cybercafé it was bhaiyaz net cafe we hav really spent our 2 years there only ……Days went on months and years i was very happy was having best time of my life …. now exam tym here everything begins the time i again started losing everything each and every person around me first i lost my first love it was pain i didnot knew why he left me u can say it was kiddish type of love not exactly love but somthing weird i cried but i gave my board exams with it only …… after dat i lost my bestfrnd my life was again hell more dan hell from morning till evening again same.i wanted to run away .. i begged my father to send me out of state how would not but my mom forced him to dere is a reason behind it a reason which also lead me to take my life a lot many times a fact that i hide from myself also …. i never want to even think about it and i m not going to discuss it ….
It was a nice day for me i was going to leave jammu and start a new life over again i went back to that cafe again for the last tym …to say my last bye to everyone …. there was dis guy he was decent, nice helpful he asked me if he cud accompany me to bus i said ok and he dropped me to it .. i didn’t felt anything as i was already heartbroken.
Begins new phase of my life meeting new people new place everything new i was set totally free ……i started enjoying my life starting after a couple of days i approached my frnds back at jammu through chat sites one of my frnds back in jammu said the guy who accompanied u to bus loves u and he cried a lot when u left . i was moved why did he do so but still i didnot had feelings for him ….. he used to call me whole nyt i used to talk to him everynyt he was very caring decent shared every single laugh with me every single tear in my eye he could never c me crying ever i was like a doll to him he cute kid he loved me a lot …… he cared for me … he cared a lot for me he did a lot for me even it was not possible for him as i was staying far away still he did every possible thing for me late nyt recharges … always he used to call after cutting my call … used to tell hanuman chalisa wen i used to fear he used to love me as his child …..
Oneday we had fight over our common friend and i stopped talking to him dis was thetym another guy came into my life he was the first guy out dere who became my frnd in dis new place as we know far from sight is out of mind so i started taking more to dis guy and ignoring dat decent guy call it childish thing but i did i didn’t had brains at that tym …. soon i fell in love with this guy we used to roam around together the real fact if i share with u he too got me by telling lie about his past life as his gf has left him he is alone and all shit. I again took pity and started loving him too . i was for the first tym i started feeling for someone like i never had before ……but onday somewhere near my bday i came to know that this guy never loved me he loved loved another gal past his school days i was left in middle of no where it seemed like there is nothing left i fainted on the floor. I was too broken every part fell apart i cried alot a lot why again me again some one left me……..
We broke up i was left alone no one to hang around me even no frnds they all were too jealous from me i always found negative vibes surrounding me even if i wanted to b frnds i wud end up giving money or party to someone and then betrayed or back bitted no one ever loved me …….
Start of a new part here comes the guy the love of my life whom i always loved for real wanted to marry told my parents about whom and still love. He was a enemy to me i never liked him but it was our frnd who made us fall together it was 14 november we were back from home some one told me look at him he has gone slim i said huh he can never b slim and moved forward. It was dis day i donot know what happened to him and he sat with me and we for the first tym talked like human beings we enjoyed a lot it was best day of my life in new place …. we started hanging out together four of us . oneday i went to his hostel early morning we had plan to go out together all of us were meeting back he kissed me and i was like wat the hell ….he said i m sorry will not repeat it u were looking beautiful and ur hair were wet i cudnot control myself…. i was like ok never say anything to anyone ever and we are moving out of her quietly….. days went on we shared things talks all of it we fell in love one can say madly in love …. dis is the first guy in my life whom i can swear upon my mom and dad dat i fell in love wid for real we used to hand out together from morning till evening both were great foodie tasting foods all around …. he used to drive awesome after drinking spent dat tym were best days of my life till now i can never even imagine i could b so happy some 1 could love me so much
It is said worlds bad eye was on us so cute couple madly in love with eachother guy is so loyal gal is so loyal but trust each other there is nothing no fights little fights around sometimes…. then began the worse part …. it started as of we used to study in same class i used to teach him he used to say he did understand 2 persons only teaching him one was his maths teacher and other was me shared everything with me little things about his home his sister his relatives everything and me too . worse was yet to come he became frnds with this guy he was a drug dealer he used to do drugs and my love also started doing so he started ignoring me …i didn’t understand where i was wrong i had to take him out of this situation i wanted him back i fighted with him to leave it he wouldn’t asked him to take swears he still took it … then i said if he will not come out of this i will get into his world and do every possible thing to get him back i too started taking, lost my all senses did never knew where i was it was but i knew i was with him safe …… but he started having problem as if it was to him dat i was torturing him but i loved him i cudnt c him like dis .
He used to drug himself daily like hell i used to b around him but didn’t leave him alone ever he sarted fighting and avoiding still i never left him alone …. he used to get so much angry he used to slap me at tyms he used to beat me up like hell.. i used to cry and then wipe off my tears and again b with him ….. i used to take his clothes to my home wash them bring cold water bottles food for him cooked food myself forhim so dat he might enjoy eating used to feed him with my own hands … i used tied his shoe laces i used to do everything a wife does i loved him like hell and day by day that love was increasing .
After some months he fell ill he suffered from jaundice dat was toughest for me i cudnt c him like dis when he used to go out vomiting i used to go along with him making him vomit washing it all and taking him back to his rum…. used to bring home cooked meals …..used to walk kilometres in scorching sun just to get sugarcane juice for him.. washing his undergarments also …i loved him he was my first and last love wish i can love anyone never like him. After dat situations got weirder his father came and took him home and i was left all alone …… but before going he asked me for the leftover money which he had given me to buy medicines i gave him bill and money too and at that type my frnds told how cheap is he i said he is ill dnt say a single word to him and he left.
I was left alone we had 6months training project to b made for him and myself too i did my own project as well as his alsoi had to do work all day for myself and all nyt i used to wake for him …. 2 months passed by exam came he had not studied anything i made him learn everything bit by bit on phone and he came back from home and just gave exam i had keft all reports ready for him he just had to come and give a viva … he did so i was too happy to c him again and he started getting back to normal avoiding drugs i was happy again…. but is it possible that god will leave me settle happy i came to know that he was dating another gal in addition to me for 2 months when we were on the start of our relation i was heartbroken it was like i die just hearing this as if iu love someone so much and still that person was cheating u i slapped him for the first tym i cudnot control myself that day till today i lost my trust on him … i cudnt leave him as i loved him so much….. i still loved and carried on i never accepted anything from him no gifts no special care nothing just love i m desperate abt love as i have never got it for real each and every person in my life has always betrayed me i didnot knew where to go.
Again comes comes the decent guy from the past if u remember he again showed so much care i talked to him he still said me he loved me like hell but i was in love wid my guy i cudnot ever think of anyone else i have left so many gud guys for my guy dat this guy dint matter at all … our studies were over he left me without telling me went back to home town without telling me i cudnt c him even once i cried a lot i was left as dere had been nothing left inside me.
I came back to my hometown alone he started calling and came to my hometown and asked me to meet him i went to meet him he was in very hurry again and again was saying i have to leave ok bye i said ok bye and left …. after some days his cousin told me that he and my guy were going to sleep with a slut he had called a slut to sleep with i was like hell wat i just heard i left him dat instance only left talking to him he continously called me i never ever talked to him after 6 months i took admission in other sate he took admission in dat university also … we met again i behaved like stranger but i loved him cudnot stop myself around him just only one thought always striked my mind what i hav done wrong the person i love the most is always taken away from me why we again starting taking and back in relationship each person in the class knew i loved him like hell …he again fell into bad company drugs facebuk chat webcams gals and all stuff i was again left to rags i tried a lot this tymlitrelly begged before him to leave and stand talk to me just for two minutes but he never did i cried i damaged myslelf internally i did every possible wrong thing to myself i was left like a stone exams came he again started loving me i again waked whole nyt to make him study exams over he again left me …. then his sister fought with me just because i told her that i want to marry his brother she told me to make his brother study and leave again exams came i again like a fool made all his notes completed all his practically waked up whole nyts to make him study …. i loved him and i was doing this out of love and he was using me i used to get him a gift whenever possible shirts wrist watches he never ever got me anything but still i wanted nothing just love i can begg for love….. he again used me for exams and left me dis tym i was broken down completely i stopped taking to anyone kept to myself behaved like dead i really felt as if i was dead id not knw is it possible to love someone dat much … i wonder i never believe it is ……i used to do such things for him which i cud never do for anyone else not even imagine …. even after marriage…
He never came back this tym he let go go didnot try to get me back he infact didn’t wanted to i was left single again but being in same class everyday seeing each other it was a hard torture for me i did took it gracefull i wud burn iside like hell and dint even utter a single word out …. to add to it he started affair with one of my own frnds and both started likng each other everything was happening before me i used to cry at home …. never cried before him….
2 years o f hell completed left everything and opted for a job in other state …. here the same decent guy lived i was heartbroken alone at a new place wanted someone to take care but he was busy with his own work he avoided me iwas like is dis the same guy who was madly in love with me … but he was changed my guy whom i loved had left mefor more dan a year or so i began hanging around with decent guy ….. he was nice as always again he started saying same he started loving me all over again again saying i shud trust him he loves me he respects me i was alone and id not think anyone will deny if u r alone and someone supports u at that tym u fall for him or her i fall for him he was a perfect guy he was well educated , well disciplined ,etiquette,earning ambitious everything a gal wants in a boy …..
Nw i introduced him and his best frnd to my frnd we all had very much fun together we enjoyed a lot i was doing all dis becoz i was trying to forget my guy and trying to keep myself happy i just wanted love and i was getting it from decent guy but all this again turned otherwise that gal made everyone fight andgot to c true colours of everyone the things i cud ever image can come out of decent guys part i could never imagine i always repected him ….. i cudnot even imagine i swear to my mom and dad but i heard everything loud and clear i bursted into tears….i literary cried like hell …… but nothing did effect him i again lost wat ever i hadhe threated me to beat me up hesaid dafa ho jao left me go home at the nyt alone wen i was afraid to do so….. i begged a lot for love before him used to go to his home in the morning to just ask him why why did he do so …i never ever imagined ……dis was a worst nyt mare i was again left aloneand i just ate up all my anger just for decent guy but he broked me…
Was left alone again tried to save my relation wid the guyi loved but he just wanted one thing he had that and left me again… i again went to decent guy he too avoided me ….left alone survived in dat state at tymes wanted to end up my life …. my boss fell in for my body he too wanted me ….. i had to run some place far left for another place……
Again came in contact wid the decent guy some months after ….. but this was the biggest reality check for my whole life turned out that decentguy who i belived loved me for ever had never loved me in fact he always loved some other gal he was madly in love with her he even had proposed her for marriage and everything was clear in his home even my best frnd had betrayed me remem the one i loved a lot she also knew abt that gal but it was only me who was fooled in love always …wat was my fault i can never get dat why could i ever get true love in my from my childhood till now not my brother not my mother none of the guys evr loved me even the person i loved the most in this world didn’t love me .. addition to it the guy i belived loved me since 8 years had never for even 1 min loved me didnot he got pity on me wen i came close to him …..
My questions: He does not ever feel as how would i feel, He played me like i am a toy…I just asked/wanted to get loved .. I just wished i just get love nothing else.. I i fail to get that too. God have created me to give love, For the whole life i welter for love..I don’t have love in my destiny.. I wonder the destiny of those girls who got love from so many peoples.. I am just like a puppet, Searching for love here and there…. I believe name of my life is to thirst for love.. …..weird is dat guys can fake it all the time they do not even consider what will other person feel when she got to know.. Why he will think about me, He just wanted to have one thing and he got it…….. I wish i die.. I will pray to god as i don’t want to see Sun shine again.. ….i just wanted to get loved but everyone used me only.. …… That was my life..
No one cud ever know wat lies inside me just to tell u everyone a child who needs to b loved who never saw childhood never was loved by anyone roamed here and dere for love and everyone thought take her it is free piece of loaf but i just wanted love alot of love like no body ever had done anyone..
The reason: why i never wanted to do job after marriage answer lies in between why cannot i keep my children alone u might have got all ur answers now i have opened my life..
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