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I don’t deserve you – 5
I’d recommend playing “Where Did Our Love Go” by the Supreme at this point, though I’d prefer Soft Cell’s cover. I prefer that edgy, darker vibe from the latter group than that mushy Motown tune that my mother likes, but that’s just me. It sets the mood for what’s to come.
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I didn’t ask you out, that’s for sure. I had to take a step back and ask yourself the hard truth. “You’re an unpleasant, cowardly, disgrace of a man!”, I said to myself. “Why the hell are trying to get a relationship with this woman? So she can ‘save you’?! From what?! Yourself?! That’s all on you, you bastard! You’re never going to get what you want, romantic or otherwise, because you really are a wretched loser! It’s time to burn this bridge to nowhere. And do me a favor. Never get involved in anyone else’s life. You can’t love and care for yourself, much less someone else.” That was the impetus for ending what couldn’t be. The problem was that I spent over the course of a month spending almost all of my free time thinking about you.
I’m not the sort of the guy that forgets easily. I tried simply not looking you up online for a week and I still didn’t succeed in removing you from my life. I couldn’t quit my job either. Everyone needs money, particularly me at the moment. That’s when I took a dark, rash turn for the worst. I had to make a conscious effort to burn bridges with you so I had a good reason to stay away from you.
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This is going to be dark so playing “My War” by Black Flag, “Slaughter Of The Soul” by At the Gates, “Dead Embryonic Cells” by Sepultura, “Fear of Napalm” by Terrorizer, “Los Angeles” by X, or “Wild Side” by Mötley Crüe. Don’t listen to them all at once at high volume unless you want to go deaf in 20 seconds.
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My puppy love for you turned into hate. I wanted to put the blame for my unrealistic future that was never meant to be on you. I thought this will finally put my imaginative dalliance with you with a very despicable act. I effectively sold your soul to truly depraved devils. I did swiftly and I even had a little cheer for myself for that heinous act. It is something I’ve never done to anyone else in my life. I felt a smug sense of superiority because I thought I tore you a new one. I thought I had the upper hand on someone for once in my life.
After my darkest hour, I felt that with that act in mind, I could move on and forget that about this woman with this dark stain on her name. I anticipated that there would’ve been a change in my own feelings of self-worth. In short, I thought I would be feeling satisfied. That feeling never came. Indeed, nothing that I thought would feel ever came. I’m sure you know what I did now. The realization that someone did this to you is beyond words, I reckon. I can see that you’re avoiding me at work either by eyeing my movements, running away from me once your shift’s over, and looking the other way when riding a vehicle.
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Yeah, I noticed you at least three times outside of work. I remember the first two times you looking at me furtively. I was befuddled as to why you were looking at me rather longingly, even as the car move a greater distance from each other. Of course, I knew that you realize that I hurt you because the third time I saw you ducking your head to avoid seeing my derelict and morally compromised face.
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I’m sure you’re looking for somewhere else to work, though if there was any sense of justice in the world, I should be sacked. I thought that with my act I would stop caring about you, but instead I feel nothing but remorse.
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This is the part where I’d listen to “Edge of Seventeen” by Stevie Nicks. If nothing else, it to mourn any lost goodwill you may have for me, if even care to think of me in any way other than hateful terms.
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I’m sure you don’t feel like it, and I reckon there’s more than a few people that would want to exact violent retribution on your behalf, but now I only want to make a plea for forgiveness. I have tried to remove such a stain from your name, but I can’t trust the wicked people of digital age to do the same even if asked them to do so. Nevertheless, I will make the effort to repair your good name. That is the only thing I want from you now: your forgiveness.
At this point in time, I’m falling out of love for you. At this point I only feel about parting ways, although I wish we could do so on good terms.
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If there is only one song you’d actually listen to while reading this message, it should be “Baker Street” by Gerry Rafferty. The lyrics sum me up perfectly, and that saxophone riff is just excellent. It’s my theme song, no less. Take that, Dave Ramsey.
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It may not be right in saying this, namely because I really fell in love with a façade, but I thought I had brief, beautiful moment with you. It was so beautiful and ethereal that it could only last for a moment. Still, even the briefest moments can make an impact of a lifetime. This is where I make my last goodbye to you, sweet Mabel. Farewell, and may you forgive me.